Let It Go

I foresee that when Megalifers think of 'Joel Kindiak', they think of one of the following: fire for God, crazy over Bible, outgoing, energetic. Yup, I love God because the Lord first loved me. This fire that burns inside has been burning since 3 years ago and continues to burn. This insanity over the Bible goes on after the countless revelations of Christ in the Scriptures. Yet, I am human. I do not experience sinless perfection, and I certainly do not escape moments of down–ness and occasions where I feel unloved, uncared for and rejected by my peers. The first one is how I currently feel.

What triggered these chain of thoughts that have recently been haunting me one more time is everyone's highly honoured milestone: their birthday. (Disclaimer: I AM NOT BLAMING THE INDIVIDUAL'S BIRTHDAY; IT IS NOT HER FAULT THAT SHE WAS BORN YESTERDAY) That said, it was her birthday and all the joy and laughter that was going on that made me start to reflect on mine: all 17 birthdays of it. And as I reflect, I start to feel hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt. I figured that I had to let it go in some way, shape fashion or form, and I did in yesterday's blog, though not substantively. Today, it's a full–on rant on my current state of heart; all the emotions that swirl around waiting to be expelled lest they drive me completely insane.

Unlike her, no one gave me a surprise birthday. Unlike her, no one flooded me with 'Happy Birthday' texts over various social media platforms. Heck, 29 April passed unnoticed while 26 June became a pinnacle of celebration. This is definitely one deep problem I have that I have not told many people. In fact, I kept telling everyone that my birthday is but a day; it does not commemorate anything special, since it is but another 24 hours on this earth. Now, it's not the form that I'm concerned (such as outings and messages, etc), but what they entail that I've always wanted but never had. No one remembers, but a smattering of people who aren't even close to me. Heck, I might actually delete my Facebook account on my birth week next year just to see who actually remembers 29 April without an extra Facebook notification. I'm sorry, but outside my family, no one cares. That's how blatant I will put it.

"Joel, you must consider everyone else, on how busy their lives and schedules are." That is true, but what about me? Don't I have busyness too? Don't I have my own life to run too? Yet I have not yet found the one or two friends I can legitimately call close; I have not found them and am losing hope in doing so. And no, I do not want friends who read this blog and hence treat me nicely; I don't deal with hypocrisy. I want acceptance. I don't want an environment where everyone is only nice to each other; I want authenticity. I don't want faith–filled Christians who keep on speaking faith but do not confess their weaknesses, like me. I want to be honoured. And looking at how things are now, I am not honoured at all.

Yes, my family loves me and I love my family, but other than my biological family, have I really another family who also cares for me and loves me lovingly? I doubt it. For starters, no one cares about 29 April. Examinations are more important on 29 April than a day out at the beach or relaxation by a café. There are more crucial issues to attend to than to accompany to actually go to Adventure Cove for the first time. I'm a quality time person, and I'm sure many aren't, hence the great divide. I'm not being fair to many people now, but honestly, many more people have not been fair to me. This is but a part of my human nature, so let me talk about this weakness that I have, even for a faith–filled, Bible–believing, demon–rebuking believer.

My birthday. Apparently, it was definitely the biggest highlight of my life, one that I've suppressed. I've always wondered if anyone cared for my birthday to ask me for it, and turns out for the past 11 years of my life, none of the classes that I was in ever wished me "Happy Birthday". It's not the act; it's the significance and the preciousness of the moment that I've been yearning for, yet none of my peers ever cared. Heck, none of my church mates ever cared. 29 April, for many, passed by unnoticed, with me confessing good things to suppress the yearning that I actually have. No one ever thrower me a surprise birthday party. No one ever took me stargazing. Hey, if you have an issue to feel sad, lonely, and unwanted, look at me before you start complaining. Look at this individual whose 29 April have NEVER been celebrated by his peers and church mates for all 10 years of secondary school education. And thank God that you have close friends, unlike I. Friends who actually honour you as much or more than how much you honour them.

Unless you have read my struggle, don't complain. If you are, do me a favour and stop. And do pray for me.

Joel Kindiak