#junehols2014 [15 June 2014] Camp Kadash Day 3

Joel Kindiak

Date: 15 June 2014

Topic: #junehols2014 [15 June 2014] Camp Kadash Day 3

Part 1: Being Rejected by My Own Church

So we woke up and had breakfast, once again. The sausages this time around were much, much better than the ones yesterday. After breakfast, we had the morning service, where there was an impartation of the Holy Spirit. I went up because I wanted to see the supernatural for myself…and all I saw were people around me getting touched, including those who have been long in a dry season, except me. It kind of sucks, but then I started to proclaim words of prophecy in accordance with the Word of God. I believe that it was the Lord who spoke in me, over me and through me. But as I type this during the service, I am starting to believe things that in the natural, I shouldn’t. I am starting to believe that I am rejected by my own church. Firstly, at the altar, no one prayed over me specifically. Fair enough; they consider the many others to be in “greater need” of the Spirit rather than this writer who makes lots of noise in church. However, another leader told me to “receive”. Haha, that sounds nice right? That’s just Christianese for “shut up”. Yep, I am hurt. I am upset. I feel that my church does not like me. I feel that they have something against someone who the Lord has filled with His fire all the time, every day. I feel persecuted by, that’s right, my own church. Funny how that works out, huh?

As of 1125 hours, I’m hurt. That’s just the fact. I’m hurt. Not by God, because He gave me a revelation of the joys of prioritising Him over all else, precisely because He has a better plan for me in all areas, that what I consider to be amazing right now, God will further increase that glory via His plans. It’s awesome. What I’m hurt by is the fact that the church does not endorse my actions. Project Logos is being panned by so many spiritual leaders. Many spiritual leaders tell me to shut up as the Lord prophesies through me. I feel persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. O Lord, You are the only One I can rely on!

Of course, later on, that spiritual leader came over me and lectured me about some church teachings that I have always been receiving since the dawn of my journey Megalife, about how I need to be considerate to people and stuff. What is intriguing me is what I have against this guy. I have no idea. It may be the reinforcement of the church’s teaching that did not change my life until I heard the gospel of grace preached by Pastor Joseph Prince, causing me to start disagreeing with a lot that my church teaches due to me perceiving them to be just laws and not life–liberating truth. After some consideration, I think that it may be my sinful tendencies that oppose righteousness and authority, unwillingness to repent and change my mind to seek the higher calling that God has placed over me. I’ve got a lot of repenting to do, and may the Lord lead me in it. May the Lord lead me in the divine balance of love and truth. It may hurt. A lot. By the people whom I’m closest to. But hey, no challenge, no fun. It’s going to be a great spiritual journey, and it’s a level of greater glory.

So service ended and I went to cell time, albeit late, with an engaging conversation about the End Times as described in Matthew 24:1–14. What intrigued me more than the themes and events in our current times reflected by the text, including many cults like Mormonism and an incredibly warped “Mother of God” theology, I was more impressed by how many were engaged during the discussion, because God was in it. Granted, not everyone talked, and even though I didn’t talk as much, I still pretty much contributed a lot, but I was thinking of how to translate this into a Project Logos context and what are some practical steps I can take to flow with God as we discuss in Project Logos. May the Lord flow in Project Logos. And because I needed to somehow get it out of my chest, I’ve decided to skip lunch to type this part of the day.

Part 2: Timeout

It’s time for Faction Wars. We started off with cheers. However, what happened to me earlier on really deeply affected me, and I couldn’t help but request for a timeout. I needed a timeout to sort things out: why I am so discontent with Riverlife Church, why I am so discontent with that spiritual leader and why I am so discontent at myself, that I sense that every step of the way I am being condemned and judged for being radical. I foresee people labelling be as inconsiderate and hypocritical, having a zeal for God but not willing to participate with His people. I foresee the people who look up to me shunning me because I could not control well the ugly side of Joel. I foresee so many leaders disapproving of my actions in service and all that I do, feeling that I am superior over them. I’m prideful.

I’m above the rest, when God’s grace placed and places us all on equal ground. I’m no better than any leader or worse than any new believer; we’re all equal in the eyes of God: greatly blessed, highly favoured and deeply loved. Yet, there are times and seasons for all deeds, and I for one need to learn to flow with the times and seasons, when to open my mouth and when to shut it up. I’m letting a single event affect my whole emotional feeling in the camp, which is not the Lord’s intention. Yes, I am a work in making, and I do not understand or absorb everything that that spiritual leader has deposited in me. I felt condemned, not good enough (surprising huh, for a person who preaches grace radically) for God, and what I received as I took my timeout in my room was, “Go out and play”.

I waited a while longer, lingered in the room as I type this, and yeah, I have nothing to fear! I may be weak, but He is strong and He will strengthen me every step of the way. I may be impatient and inconsiderate, but He will change me into His likeness. Anyway, why would church people judge me, and if they do, won’t they have to give God an account of it? I have nothing to fear. There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (eg Joel). (Romans 8:1)

I felt as though I was ruining Camp Kadash for everyone, with my weird mannerisms, with my strange retreats and strong desire to be solitary; I feel like I’m the spirit killer, after I blamed my District outwardly and Faction leaders inwardly for being so. The truth is: I’m a wreck, but He will make beautiful things out of me.

Let the ruins come to life

In the beauty of Your name

Rising up from the ashes

God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge

In the shadow of Your wings

I will love You forever

And forever I sing

And as I wrote that and am listening to that song (Glorious Ruins by Hillsong), I have found out the reason as to why I felt so uneasy listening to the spiritual leader. That is because as he shared with me his experiences and his wisdom, I was feeling condemned. I saw God as a strict stern judge dawning upon all my failures again. And the Lord was not a Father to me but a cranky, easily angered discipline master.

I realised something otherwise: Now, however, there is no condemnation on my heart, and yes, God will take me through the fire to burn off all my dirt, such that what remains is gold, He will always assure me that in whatever circumstances I’m in, I’m His and He is mine, and Daddy God now is causing all my fears and my condemnation to melt away like butter on a warm day. Wow is His love amazing.

And yes, He will correct me, but I’m secure regardless the trial or the difficulty or the discomfort. I am now convicted of His love for me, and when anyone tries to tell me of God or the ways of God that they perceive to be true, I can rest in the Father’s love for me. If they try to condemn me, I can run right into the hands of my Abba Father, my Daddy God, and rest in His embrace, for in Him there is no condemnation, regardless of whom, even Christians, tell me or imply to me otherwise, knowingly or unknowingly.

Now, let me end this portion as I join the Faction Wars, having a repented mind and a cleansed heart, fully conscious of the Father ’s love for me, that in Christ Jesus there is now no condemnation. I am vindicated and I am free to love and be loved. I am free to enjoy a great time at Faction Wars (halftime entry lol?) because Jesus died that I may have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10).

I’ll see you in Part 3, after Faction Wars. It’s time to go out and play.

Part 3: Faction Wars – Zeo’s Runner-Up Victory

It’s Faction War time and we are all getting ready to get wet. Prepped some water bombs and I tried to splash some people, but apparently the bombs failed on me. It’s fun as later on in the game we still smashed each other with water anyway. Sadly I didn’t get wet as some other people, who would rock on photo if I had brought my phone for some selfies, but sadly, I didn’t. Meh. We got second place, but hey, who genuinely cares about winning when all we wanted to do was to splash each other as wet as possible?

Also, I have learnt the art of solitude once more, just being satisfied with the Lord and no one else. It’s always a great reminder that it’s between the Lord and I that I can find joy and happiness. Friends who prioritise other people will always abound, but my God always prioritises His beloved Son, and as Jesus is beloved by the Father, so is Joel in this world.

Later on, a friend later came up and shared some fears and insecurities that have been recently plaguing her. While I’m not that close to her, I guess I’ll be close enough to pray a blessing over her and a word of encouragement over her, that as Jesus is, so is she in this world. It encourages me that the Lord can use me once I experienced the gift of no condemnation over my life.

Time to shower, wash up, and dress a little fancier than I have been before. An unexpectedly unexpected blackout occurred (as with virtually every other Megalife Camp) causing many, many people to freak out. And I mean: freak. out. It’s fun to hear their cries of panic though while I take a nice view of the green fields. Evil Joel, indeed!

Part 4: Don’t You Ever Miss the Final Night Service

I finished dinner early and adjourned to the meeting hall early just to catch a glimpse of the worship team practising some songs. When they opened with “Rain Down” by Delirious, it felt like deja-vu of Kingdom Invasion all over again. Seems as though my emotional turmoil begins with “Rain Down” and ends with “Rain Down”. Then they proceeded to try “Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble?” by Hillsong, and it suddenly felt like Live Concert (an evangelistic even held by St Andrew’s Junior College) due to a marathon of worship songs being played. They tried “This is How We Overcome”, which was yet another ancient classic that I know of, even though I highly doubt most of the Megalifers would not. Regardless, I think that the worship team have done a spectacular job flowing with the Spirit, something I am trusting God that He would do through me as I let go and let Him take control.

That was just the introduction; I’ll continue after the service itself.

We started with Quiet Time, and I just thanked the Lord for all His goodness. He is a great God, and He is good. My circumstances may not be good, but my God is good. And He is good because He is God. 

We went for worship and service and I definitely held some constraint to try not to disturb others who are basking in the presence of the Lord. We had Pastor Daniel to preach once more, this time on Going the Extra Mile (heck, he’d even let me take snapshots of his notes) and before he began he requested that we Megalifers (aka commoners) lay hands and pray over our leaders, something which came to me as a pleasant surprise, considering that the leaders have always told me that I was not allowed to pray during ministry time. I prayed over leaders that we may see more of Jesus in the Scriptures, as well as in our lives, day in and day out. While Pastor Daniel was preaching, I had this evil thought that just kept lingering in the back of my mind: Riverlife Church (and Megalife, for that matter) is better off without me and my weird mannerisms. That said, many people affirmed my zeal for the Lord (as a result of the Lord’s zeal for me. Whatever we do is a response of His conviction in us) and have encouraged me to remain radical for the glory of God, at the concern of many Megalife leaders. You know what? It’s my final Megalife camp anyway: YOLO!

The altar call was one of receiving, so I stood there and just rested in the Lord. It was quite distracting at times. Nonetheless, the people who did pray for me all prayed that I would experience a heightened revelation of God’s love. I did not understand that, considering that every day I declare God’s grace over my life, that I am the righteousness of God in Christ. That said, later on in the service, we were asked to hug each other (guys with guys; gals with gals; boundaries, people!) and pray over each other, and as I prayed over different young men, I took it by faith the the messages “deposited” in my mind were ones of the Spirit and were Rhema words for them at that point in time. Whether they are or not, God knows and I’m just going to trust Him and trust His word.

Speaking of yolo, since it is Day 3, and it is the third night service, what better way to end off t he worship marathon with some selfies (during “Deep Cries Out” by Bethel Church)

And after the service, it’s photo-taking with a smart-looking Joel. Of course there are some familiar faces, but I do hope to star some who had not had a chance in my blogposts yet. So here you go!

 

Cell time was relaxing and cool and it’s fun to see the look of my cellmates’ dejected faces when I announced my departure in 10 weeks. Muahaha.

Conclusion

My day today was filled with ups and downs, and looking back as I type this, I am happy, because the Lord took me through a challenge, and it’s fun to have a challenge. I need excitement in my life. The service also reminded me that I did not need to feel the supernatural to feel the love of God; it was so evident all around me with different peoples who love God: the group of people I actually wanted to be with 24/7. Nonetheless, there’s a world out there which needs saving, and after camp and school starts, it’s time to be light in the midst of darkness, to pretty much put whatever we have gained from camp to practice, by the grace of God and the empowerment that flows from it.

Reflections:

1. What I wanted was comfort–but what I needed was correction. God used the leader to correct me of many wrong thinkings, such as Christian clichés as well as mindsets against the church’s doctrine. He also mentioned the cruciality of “dying to your flesh” which will be uncomfortable (something I have heard for the longest time ever in Megalife Church, which, by the way, did not help me in my life in any way before I received the gospel of grace) as well as the importance of correction. On the one hand, I could tell that these words were golden, but on the other hand, I didn’t feel that his advice spoke into my issue at that point in time. I’m sure these wise words will come back to me again, but I cannot tell when. For now, though, it feels like a revision lecture on Megalife dogma that plagued my life before the grace of God.
2. Camp Kadash is the camp where I’m getting vulnerable, where my weaknesses start to unfold and be revealed to many people. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been living a facade all this while in Megalife, and now the weaknesses that lie within me start to unfold. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally let it all go and not go back the same way I came. I’m learning to be more loving and more sensitive, to love others but not at the expense of my encounter with God. I’ll definitely heed the wise words of my spiritual leader to more sensitively flow with the Spirit, and in fact, shut up when the Lord wants me to just shut up and be still.
3. There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)
4. We all fail, but He never fails.
5. It is so very important that we realise that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and that as Jesus is, so are we in this world. (1 John 4:7)
6. The love of God need not be in a supernatural fashion, but could be displayed all around. “Everywhere I look, Your love is all around” –All Around; Live from Another Level by Israel and New Breed.
7. If it’s the last time you’re in a church camp, and if a church leader does not restrict, just yolo. Period.